Basking Time Is Over

I spent the first ten minutes of the Ravens Pats game on the phone, yelling. I was yelling at my cousin, my father, leaving nasty voice mails on my buddy Ben’s phone: “You stupid little bitch! Answer your phone! I can’t believe this. Where in the hell did they come from!”

I spent the next couple of hours thrashing around the living room like a shark that’s been landed on a fishing boat. My brain was bent in half: was this possible?

I cackled like a madman when they showed Kraft and started shouting inane shit like “Yeah, why don’t you go and get some cuff links you bitch!” Which made no sense to my wife and gave Lil Honch an excuse to yell and curse.

I picked the Ravens, but never thought it would go down like it did. It was worth the entire season: as up and down as it was.

So now there’s Indy. Beating them would be my Super Bowl. I remember Colts game at Memorial Stadium with my father and uncles. And yes, I cried when they left. They were more than a team, they represented memories that won’t ever die.

So what happens Saturday night? This one is going to be a dogfight. I don’t think the Ravens can catch the Colts by surprise, but momentum + playoffs + Ray Lewis cranked up to 11 = Ravens win.

By the way, did anyone notice how before Wild Card Weekend SI’s lead article was “You Need Wide Receivers to Win!” and this week it’s “You Need Defense to Win.”

Have a great time this weekend, and please don’t go and punch out one of those obnoxious bandwagon fans wearing brand new Ravens gear. Cause that would be bad. Good god, please make those asshats go away.

And to all of the Ravens: go get some.

And then, depression set in.

Okay, so I admit. The loss on Saturday night was my fault. Why?

BECAUSE I WORE AN ED REED JERSEY FOR THE FIRST TIME AND CURSED HIM!

I got it for buying four Yokohama tires. And I wanted to wear it over my best friend’s house to bug him. He loves Ed, I think he’s a showboat. And that jersey cost us the game. Should have worn what I always wear.

Anyway, to quote a poet, “This is how it ends, not with a bang but with a whimper.”

My favorite part of the game: watching Joe Flacco actually show some emotion when he was “having a discussion” with Cam. That was a very one sided discussion and I think Joe was saying, “Your game plan is sucking like a black hole. We need something else!”

So the season is over. Ed Reed and Derrick Mason are acting like two girls with multiple invitations to the prom. Oh so coy! Look you two, make a decision and move on.

Finally, Honcho’s Douchebag of the Year goes to . . . Brett Favre. You fist pumping, grey bearded douche bag. Way to throw that last minute TD pass. Here’s hoping the New Orleans D knocks your old, redneck ass back to the Stone Age.

And kudos to Rex Ryan. I’m glad we got rid of Leonard. Really. Nice move Ozzie!

Super Bowl: Saints 38 – Jets 21

Where I Been, What I Seen

Folks, I know you all have been writhing on the floor in pain due to my absence. Well, after years of hard living and straight out rebellion, the Honch’s back gave up the ghost. Some minor repairs were made and I lost two months.

But I’m back, cranked up on caffeine and listening to Anthrax’s cover of “Got the Time” by Joe Jackson.

Ravens in the playoffs, who would have thunk? I say they roll into New England and pull off a win. How? Ray Rice burning and churning. McGahee smashing his way through the D line like a mutant freight train bombing down a mountain. Flacco waking up and slinging passes like David Letterman at a company Christmas party.

And let’s not forget the D. Ray Ray’s time is short, he’ll be so jacked up that Harbaugh might have to assign two handlers to get him to the field without attacking and eating innocent bystanders. J. Johnson wants blood and so does Ellerbe.

Here’s hoping they smash Tom Brady’s face deep into the frozen turf at Gillette Stadium and Mr. Kraft chokes on one of those obnoxious cuff links he wears. Seriously, what’s the deal with that? French cuffs are not for the NFL, French cuffs are for the French. And those guys are worthless.

As for hoops and baseball, talk to me later when I care about them.

Pathetic

That’s got to be the most pathetic shutout I’ve ever seen.

Is Cam Cameron channeling the ghost of Matt Cavanaugh? What the hell is wrong with Flacco and his offensive line?

That game should have been over in the first quarter.

Well, at least we’re not Browns fans. Can you imagine this stat: in the past 60 quarters of football, the Browns have scored 5 OFFENSIVE TOUCHDOWNS. Imagine that. It makes our 2000 season look like the Chargers in the 1980s.

The Colts come jetting into town this Sunday. I’m a realist so I’m not hoping for a win. I’m hoping we don’t get embarrassed.

And by the way, Jon Gruden, congrats on your upcoming nuptials to Brady Quinn. He debuted a man crush tonight on Quinn that rivals the torrid torch that John Madden carried for Favre all these years.

John Harbaugh needs to step up to the plate and fire up these mighty men or he’s gonna be mighty disapointed.

The Word Cincinnati Just Got Uglier

Cincy as a city has all of the charm of a bloated mule in a ditch with its eyes being eaten by maggots. Actually, I’d rather hang out with the mule than visit that blight of a city.

BUT – they schooled the Ravens today. From whistle to whistle – they blew them out of the stadium and landed their sorry asses right back to 1 Winning Drive.

Ed Reed – maybe it’s time to retire. YOU CAN’T TACKLE ANY MORE. As for our secondary, those clueless wonders should be changing tires, not playing in the NFL. At least Ladarius Webb decided he wanted to play today.

Mr. Suggs? Mr. Suggs? Where for art thou? Must be busy counting all his money instead of watching tape.

Finally, Ray Lewis you are a joke as a team leader. When the reporters came to talk to you, out came the cell phone. Pathetic. Your mouth was running like a Kenyan in the Boston Marathon last week. After an embarrassing loss, you duck and dodge. Why we resigned you, I’ll never know.

I’m thinking that last season we got lucky, we got the breaks and we got the ball bounces. But you can’t count on that year after year to win. You count on players showing up and playing their asses off – today they looked flat and out of sync. You could see it in Flacco’s eyes.

As for penalties – you make those mistakes when you’re getting your ass beat and you need to even it up. Although I will cop to those stupid ass zebras missing a few pass interferences on the Bengals.

Two teams have to show up to make it a game. This Sunday, one of them chose not to do that.

Seek & And Destroy

This week, if you hear anyone complaining about not having Matt Stover on the team, I urge you to lay a Ray Lewis size hit on him or her. Because they have no clue about football and how to build a team.

Does Stover make that kick and we win? I don’t know. If a frog had wings would he bump his ass every time he hopped? I don’t know.

It’s an idiotic conversation because it’s all speculation. And for the one or two games we might win on Stover’s foot, how many more do we lose because the opposing team CONSTANTLY had great field position? It was time to say goodbye, and Harbaugh knew it.

And another thing to bring up – the play selection is what killed that field goal, not the kicker. Passes towards the middle of the field, lack of hurry up, and for the love of CHRIST what the hell was that fake-spike-fade-pass to the endzone play?

Come on Cam! We need points, not a circus side show. And no one fell for it. Not even Honcho Jr.

The same thing happened last week after we scored the go ahead touchdown: three running plays, all up the middle, and we go three and out. You know the rest.

Don’t get too down, Ravens fans. With the piss poor secondary that we have, it’s not like we were going to the Super Bowl this year anyway. Plus, that’s two games in a row where our D gave up 100 yards to a rusher.

Finally, after you go down 14-0 inside of 5 minutes, don’t you think you shelve the run plan and go to the air? Maybe?

I Got a Bad Feeling About This . . .

My finely tuned psychic senses – those which allow me to locate a barbecue joint anywhere within a five mile radius – are telling me that the Ravens’ whole season might have been over this past Sunday.

Minnesota is looming on the horizon and our fearless leader isn’t talking about the $25 large he owes to the NFL. I got nothing more than that to go on, but my gut tells me that things aren’t look so rosy.

Maybe they’ll prove me wrong and go out to the land of obese blonds and come home with a W. I sure hope so.

Because the thought of having to look forward to Spring Training makes me want to bash myself in the testicles until I can’t see straight.

Virgins at the Vault

After 10 years of Ravens games, it’s time to say something: Women need to stay out of M&T Stadium during football season. So do the professional drinkers. And the corporate dickwads on their BlackBerrys. Little kids under age 10, they can stay home too. First time attendees, they need to go to a high school or college football game before they step foot in the Vault.

Why?

Because the Honch and his fellow brethren are sick and damn tired of missing plays and having to watch the game on a gigantic television because the aisles are full of nimrods who are unable to take a knee during the play.

We’re tired of drunken douchebags yelling, spitting and spilling beer – and making totally inane comments. One guy actually told my friend that “Jared Gaither has got to be the weakest link on the Ravens.” That was after his 45th beer in the second quarter.

As for the ladies, the Honch loves them when they’re cooking, serving him beer, or swinging around a tall shiny brass pole. But not when they’re walking up and down the steps, texting and blocking his view.

If you’re a football virgin, go get some experience, then you can join us at the game.

Ray Lewis, Leadership and Jesus Christ

If you know Ray Lewis, you’re familiar with his faith in God. He can’t begin a post game interview, or any other type of interview, without mentioning God and his mighty works. (Ray considers himself to be a mighty work of God.)

So I have to think that Ray is familiar with the life of Jesus, but I think he may have missed the one piece about leadership. See, Jesus was a leader, he had a team of apostles that followed his example. Hell, they followed him everywhere. Even when it was a question of life or death.

So how could Ray miss out on this crucial lesson? Must have been napping in church, otherwise how could he explain why he decided not to talk to the press after Sunday’s loss?

Leaders are there in the good times and the bad – especially the bad. Whether you’ve made the game winning tackle, or committed a brutal foul that gave the Bengals’ drive new life. You stand up there and you take the good with the bad.

Sneaking out is the coward’s way, and everyone knows the old saying, “The Lord hates a coward.”

Wedding Bells for Al Michaels & Collinsworth

So the season kicked off in Pissburgh- should have been the Ravens but for some unexplained reason, Harbaugh lost his baughs and asked that we not open the season.

So how much fun did you have watching this game? I know that after five minutes I wanted to FedEx some Chapstick to Michaels and Collinsworth because their lips were so from KISSING SO MUCH STEELER ASS!

I understand they are the champs and that you talk about them, but how much is too much? Collinsworth is a geek, have you ever looked at his hands? And Al Michaels always seems punch drunk to me, maybe too much time in a small booth with big sweaty men.

The best part of the game was when Hiney Wards got caught hotdogging and Collinsworth said, “Well he is just SUCH A COMPETITOR that he couldn’t just lay down and have them kick a field goal.”

Excuse me, WTF? He was showboating. And and in over time, when they showed what “an angry Hines Ward could do” the clip was a blatant foul as Hiney blocked a defensive linemen, using his helmet on helmet. What a competitor!

The Sqealers are a good team, and I hate them. I like to watch them play but from now on, the sound will be turned off. And Hines Ward is a DBag.

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